Author: system

Become a secure attachment for your child.Parent-child interaction is
especially important

Parenting Tips

system
Young,Beautiful,Asian,Mother,Lifting,And,Playing,With,Her,Baby.

Written By: Ms. Lui Shuk Jing, Family Dynamics Personal, Marriage and Family Therapist

 

There is a Chinese saying “the age of three determines 80” and the West has another saying “The future is now”.It is clear that both Chinese and foreign parents have relevant parenting experience and believe that the early years are the golden age for shaping the healthy growth of their children. Many parents understand that they are the key influencers of their children’s growth, and that their children will learn by example, so they have to set an example and start to discipline them at a young age. I believe that parents focus on disciplining their children’s behavior, but recent studies in medicine, science, psychology, and early childhood development all point to the interaction and relationship between parents and children as the foundation for their children’s development.

 

“Attachment Theory research clearly shows that as early as 0-18 months of age, a parent or primary caregiver forms a lifelong relationship pattern with the child that will be passed on for the rest of the child’s life. Once a secure attachment relationship is

established, it is like a secure base that can be effective in dealing with future turbulent situations and in building the ability to have a successful family relationship. Conversely, once an insecure relationship pattern is established, it can have a negative impact on an infant’s future growth, emotional processing, and family relationships.

A,Little,Boy,Sitting,At,The,Corner,Of,The,Room

Secure Attachment

 The key to establishing a secure attachment pattern is for parents to establish a secure attachment when their child is 0-18 months old. Parents can build secure attachments based on the following suggestions

  • Be close to your child often, especially when they need it, such as when they cry and see their parents comforting them so that they know you are always there for them.
  • Invest emotionally in the parent-child relationship so that your child knows thatyou enjoy spending time with them and are interested in them, rather than being preoccupied with your own work. So parents need to play with their children from time to time to increase parent-child interaction and communication.
  • Parents are sensitive to their children’s emotional needs because children need you not only to meet their physical needs but also to care about their emotions and help them express and respond to them, especially negative emotions. When your child is dancing or smiling, you will help them say, “My baby is so happy! I’m so excited!” When your child is upset or crying, you will pick them up and offer protection and comfort. As they grow older, they will have more complex emotions, such as worry, fear, anger, frustration, and shame, and parents need to encourage and help their children express them, even though their negative emotions may have something to do with them.

 

Insecure Attachment

 

I have handled many cases in which the children are smart and well-behaved and have excellent academic performance, but they are very disturbed emotionally. Their parents think they are leading by example, loving their children and working hard, but they do not understand how their children can have emotional problems. If they look closely at the “attachment pattern” between themselves and their children to see if they are always close to their children, if they are emotionally involved, and if they can meet their children’s  emotional needs, it will be easy to find the core of the problem and help parents rebuild a secure attachment relationship with their children so that they can rely on them and build a foundation for growth.

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成為孩子安全的依附對象 親子互動尤其重要

system
Young,Beautiful,Asian,Mother,Lifting,And,Playing,With,Her,Baby.

撰文：家庭動力個人、婚姻及家庭治療師呂淑晶女士

 

俗語有云「三歲定八十」，西方亦有 “The future is now” 的說法，可見中外父母都有相關的育兒經驗，認為幼年時期是塑造孩子健康成長的黃金階段。很多父母都明白自己是影響孩子成長的關鍵人物，孩子會耳濡目染，所以自己要以身作則，從少開始管教他們。筆者認為父母都把焦點放在管教子女的行為上，而近代醫學、科學、心理學和幼兒發展的研究之中，均指出父母與子女的互動和關係才是影響子女成長的基礎。

 

「依附理論」研究清楚告訴我們，早於孩子在 0 – 18 個月，父母或主要照料者，已跟孩子形成一個影響一生的關係模式，將會承傳一生。安穩的依附關係一旦建立，就好像建立了一個安全基地，可以有效面對日後動盪不安的處境和建立美滿家庭關係的能力。相反，一旦建立不安全的關係模式，對嬰兒日後的成長，情緒處理和家庭關係都會帶來負面影響。

A,Little,Boy,Sitting,At,The,Corner,Of,The,Room

安全的依附關係 

 

能否建立安穩的依附關係模式，關鍵在於孩子在 0 – 18 個月時，家長們可以根據以下建議建立安全的依附關係︰

 

  • 可經常親近孩子，特別是在孩子有需要的時候，例如哭泣時會見到父母在安慰自己，讓孩子知道您常在他們身邊。


在親子關係投入情感，令孩子知道您喜歡跟他們在一起，對他們有興趣，而不會老是專注自己的工作。所以父母需要不時與子女玩耍，增加親子互動和交流。

  • 父母能夠敏銳回應孩子的情感需要，因為孩子不單只是需要您滿足他們身體温飽的需要，而是更加需要您去關心他們的情緒，幫助他們表達和回應，尤其是負面情緒。當子女手舞足蹈或笑嘻嘻時，您會幫他們說︰「BB好開心！好興奮啊！」當孩子不安或哭泣時，您會抱起他們，並給予保護和安慰；當他們長大些的時候，會有更複雜的情緒，例如擔心、害怕、憤怒、挫敗和羞愧，家長更需要鼓勵和幫助孩子表達，縱使他們的負面情緒可能跟您們有關，亦要給予一定程度的肯定和疏導。

 

不安全的依附關係

 

筆者處理不少家庭個案，孩子們都是聰明乖巧和成績優異，卻在情緒上受到很大的困擾，他們的父母認為自己以身作則，愛惜孩子和踏實工作，不明白孩子怎麼會有情緒問題？倘若他們細心觀察自己與子女的「依附關係模式」，看看自己和子女是否經常親近、情感是否投入，以及能否滿足孩子的情感需要，就會不難找到問題的核心所在，從而幫助父母與子女重建安全的依附關係，讓孩子得到依賴，建立成長的基礎。

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Failure to adequately address anxiety in young children may exacerbate separation anxiety

Parenting Tips

system

Written by: New Horizons Development Centre, Certified Educational Psychologist Pang Chi Wah

As the school year begins again, many children cry when they first go to kindergarten. However, there are also children who can go to school without any adjustment period because their parents can prepare them mentally and practice simulations. For children, entering kindergarten may be their first major challenge because some children are separated from their families for the first time when they enter kindergarten, but once they have enough time to become familiar with the school environment, they will feel safe in kindergarten life and will not cry.

What bothers parents and teachers the most is that after a few weeks of enrollment, children continue to cry or expressly resist going back to school. In better cases, they may not like to participate in extracurricular activities, and in more severe cases, they may refuse to go to school, and in some extreme cases, they may not allow their parents to leave their sight. These are all separation anxiety problems.

In fact, there may be deeper reasons why children do not adapt to being separated from their families that need to be understood in depth. For example, some children are admitted to the intensive care unit when they are newborn because they are underweight or have physical problems, or they need to be hospitalized or undergo surgery because they are sick. Although such medical support is necessary for them, it may also lead to traumatic psychological experiences for them, and since then they may be afraid of strangers or unfamiliar places and easily develop separation anxiety, and their sense of security is lower than other children.

In some even worse cases, parents are not allowed to work, or that the child needs to be left with a babysitter, but the children do not want to be left behind, so the parents consider the reality of their needs and have to forcibly separate from them or lie to them. As a result of parents’ misuse of inappropriate methods, their feelings of insecurity during infancy and early childhood are reinforced. The so-called traumatic experiences are actually events that cause them to be psychologically afraid.

The main reason for the lack of security in young children is the separation from their families and the failure of parents to handle the situation properly. Ironically, some caregivers do not provide a safe and adequate living environment in their daily lives, and more importantly, there are frequent changes in caregivers or places, and there are strong contrasts in caregiving practices, causing them to go through psychological adjustment tests before they start school.

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未適當處理幼兒不安感 或加劇分離焦慮

家長錦囊

system

撰文：新領域潛能發展中心 註冊教育心理學家彭智華

即將又踏入開學月，有很多幼兒在第一次到幼稚園上學時，都會哭泣不斷。但也有幼兒不需要任何適應期，便可開心上學去，因為家長能讓他們有足夠的心理準備及模擬的練習。對幼兒來說，入讀幼稚園可能是他們第一個重大挑戰，因為有些幼兒是在入讀幼稚園時才第一次真正與家人分離，但只要讓他們有足夠時間，漸漸熟悉了學校環境之後，就對幼稚園的生活産生了安全感，自然不會哭泣了。

而最困擾家長及教師的，大概是入讀數周後，幼兒還在上學時持續哭泣或明言抗拒回校。情況好一點的，可能會不喜歡參加課外活動，再嚴重一點的可能會拒絶上學，有些極端的例子甚至會不允許父母離開自已的視線範圍，這些都是分離焦慮的問題。

其實，幼兒不適應與家人分離，可能還有深層次的原因需要跟大家深入理解。例如有些幼兒在初生時因體重不足，或身體有毛病而要入住嬰兒深切治療部，或因生病而需要住院或做手術，雖然這些醫學支援對他們而言是必須的，但也可能會導致他們在心理上經歷了一些心理創傷經驗，自此可能害怕陌生人或陌生地方，容易產生分離焦慮，他們的安全感比別的幼兒低。

有些可能是雪上加霜的情況，就是遇上幼兒不容許家長上班，或因需要將幼兒交托給褓母照顧，但幼兒不願意被留下，家長考慮了現實的需要，在情急下必須與他們強行分離，或是說謊欺騙他們，由於家長誤用了不適當的方法，結果加強了他們在嬰幼兒時期的不安全感覺。所謂心理創傷經驗，其實是一些造成他們心理上害怕的事件。

小時候一些與家人分離，而且家長沒有好好處理的事件，是造成幼兒缺乏安全感的主要原因。諷刺的是，有些只是照顧者在他們的日常生活裡，沒有提供足夠安全及溫飽的生活環境，更重要的是經常更換照顧者或地方，而且照顧的手法有很強烈的對比，令他們在上學前已經歷心理適應上的考驗。

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How to choose the right multimedia e-learning product?

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8

Written by: Director of Program Development, Carmen Leung

There is a wide range of teaching animations or online children’s programs for parents to choose from, but many parents ask: “Are these animations and applications good or bad for children’s learning? There are some points to note when using multimedia electronic products for children’s learning, including the age of children and remembering not to rely solely on electronic learning modes. Now let me go on to explain the other points that should be noted.

How to choose the right multimedia electronic learning product?

  • It is best if the product does not have non-learning components that children can download or open on their own. For example, if a child is learning on an iPhone or iPad, parents should never let the child open other programs to ensure that the child is learning and not having fun.
  • Learning products with segments or sections can be used. Many parents say that their children have a tendency to react badly when they are asked to stop using electronic products. Therefore, I suggest that products should have an interactive element and require children to respond in different ways.
  • Products should have an interactive element and require children to respond in different ways. A multimedia product is not a good product if it only provides a one-way teaching model. For example, a product that only allows children to sit and listen to information, or to watch and not respond to it, is called “one-way learning” and should be avoided. Products that allow children to sing together, do actions together, string words together, and read aloud and answer questions are the products to choose.
  • For example, there are some products that allow children to respond, but the answers are of the same nature every time, for example, they have to press a button to answer each time, so children’s responses will be slower and they will become “robotic” learners, which will affect their motivation to learn and their ability to think from multiple perspectives in the future.
8-1

Time to use electronic devices

 

Children should not use electronic devices for too long period of time for learning, and parents should set a daily or weekly time limit for their children to use electronic devices. For example, children can only use the computer for a maximum of half an hour after homework each day. If the half hour is up, the child must keep the promise and stop using the product. Parents can also work with their children to set a daily schedule, allocating time for homework, fun, hobby classes and electronic devices, so that children understand that everything needs to be planned and restrained. This not only can train children’s self-management skills (Self Management), but also can effectively limit the use of electronic products time.

 

Reward the use of electronic devices

 

If a child enjoys learning with electronics (and often does), parents can consider rewarding them with the use of the product, for example, by promising them 30 minutes of electronics each time they finish a meal within half an hour, or each time they finish a lesson with quality.

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如何選購合適的多媒體電子學習產品？

家長錦囊

system
8

撰文：課程發展總監梁嘉敏小姐

坊間有琳瑯滿目的教學動畫或網上兒童節目供家長選購，只是很多家長會問：「究竟這些動畫和應用程式對小朋友的學習是好還是壞呢？」孩子使用多媒體電子產品學習要注意的地方，包括小朋友的年齡及切記不可以只依靠電子學習模式這兩點，現在讓筆者繼續解說一下其他應該注意的事項：

 

怎樣選購合適的多媒體電子學習產品？

 

  • 該產品最好沒有非學習性質的元件可供小朋友自己下載或開啟。例如倘若孩子使用 iPhone 或 iPad 學習，家長千萬別讓孩子打開其他程式，確保孩子在學習而非玩樂。
  • 可使用有分段或節數的學習產品。很多家長都會說要孩子停止使用電子產品的時候，孩子容易有不良的情緒反應。所以筆者建議產品需要分不同單元 (Chapter)，而家長可以限制孩子只觀看或完成一個單元。
  • 產品適宜有互動的元素和需要孩子作出不同方式的回應。倘若多媒體產品只是提供單向的教學模式，這並不是好的產品。例如，產品只能讓孩子坐著去聽資訊，或看後不需要作出任何反應，我們便稱為「單向學習」，我們應該避免使用「單向學習」的產品。如產品能夠讓小朋友一起唱歌、一起做動作、一同串生字和朗讀和回答問題，這便是應該選擇的產品。
  • 又例如有一些產品雖然能讓孩子回應，但每次都是回答同樣的性質答案，例如每次都是要按一個按鈕去回答，這樣孩子的反應便會較為緩慢，變成「機械人式」學習，影響往後的學習動機和多角度思考能力，這類產品我們應該要避免。
8-1

使用電子產品的時間

 

使用電子產品學習的時間不可以過長，而且家長亦應該為子女定下每天或每星期可使用電子產品的時間。例如，孩子每天最多只可以在做完功課後使用電腦半小時，如果半小時已到，孩子必須要遵守承諾，暫停使用產品。而家長亦可以跟子女一起定下每天的時間表，分配做功課、玩樂、上興趣班及適用電子產品等活動的時間，好讓子女了解任何事情都需要有計劃，有節制。這樣不單可以鍛煉孩子的自我管理能力 (Self Management)，也可以有效限制使用電子產品的時間。

 

以使用電子產品作為獎勵

 

倘若孩子喜歡使用電子產品學習（通常也十分喜歡的），父母可考慮以使用產品作為獎勵，例如孩子每次乖乖在半個小時內吃完飯，或每次有質素地完成功課後，我們便可以答應他們使用三十分鐘的電子產品。

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Wear face mask for long time during Epidemic.
How to make children learn to “look at people’s eyebrows and eyes”?

Parenting Tips

system

Written by: Hong Kong Speech and Swallowing Therapy Centre
Senior Speech Therapist Eunice Siu 

In our daily interactions with others, we not only observe others’ behaviors, but also “explain” and “predict” others’ behaviors. Theory of mind is the ability to infer or substitute other people’s mental states, such as their thoughts, beliefs, desires, and intentions, etc., and to use this ability to explain other people’s thoughts, perceptions, and predict their behaviors. Theory of mind can be subdivided into “emotion recognition”, “beliefs” and “pretend play”.

The developmental period for children’s theory of mind is from approximately 3 to 7 years of age. However, before the age of 3, children need to master the following skills to effectively develop theory of mind skills.

1. noticing and imitating the behavior of people around them
2. recognizing the emotions of others and using words to express them (e.g., happy, sad, angry, surprised)
3. participates in pretend play
4. understands that different people have different desires and preferences
5. understands that people will act to get what they want (e.g. reach for candy)
6. understands the causes and consequences of unsympathetic emotions (e.g. if I hit my brother, my mom will be mad and then she will scold me) 

Ways to improve theory of mind are:

1. Use more psychologically relevant words when talking to your child

Using psychologically related words to communicate with children can help children understand their own and others’ psychological conditions more specifically. Examples of psychologically related words are “think,” “pretend,” “know,” “believe,” “feel,” and words related to emotions. Pay attention to what your child is trying to say and then respond. For example, “Ah! You want cake”, “Don’t be afraid! You think I’m gone, but I’m still here,” and “Mommy’s mad at you for hitting your brother. Parents can also explain to their children the psychological situation of others, e.g., “Mei-mei is smiling so much when she receives a birthday present, she should be very excited.

2. Participate in role-playing games with your child

Role-playing games encourage children to put themselves in different situations and characters’ perspectives to draw inferences about their behavior. To begin, children can pretend to be common everyday characters, such as mothers, doctors, teachers, and drivers. Parents should pay attention to the fact that both the words and behaviors in the game should be substituted for the role played. This activity helps children experience a variety of emotions, thoughts and interactions in different social situations, and learn to observe, imitate, anticipate, review and adjust their thoughts and behaviors. 

I hope parents can make good use of the opportunity to share and communicate more with their children in daily life, so that they can learn to “look at people’s eyebrows and eyes” (meaning read people’s faces) and become a “mind-reading detective”!

Source：

Hollin, P., Baron-Cohen, S.,& Hadwin,J.(1999). Teaching children with autism tomind-read. West Sussex, England: Wiely Press

Lowry, L.(2015).” Tuning in” to others: How young children develop theory of mind. The Hanen Centre.

Spastics Association of Hong Kong (2005). Connecting: Developing social skills in children with autism. Spastics Association of Hong Kong. 

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疫情長時間戴口罩
如何讓孩子學會「睇人眉頭眼額」？

家長錦囊

system

撰文：香港言語及吞嚥治療中心
　　　高級言語治療師　蕭以嵐

在日常與他人社交互動中，我們除了觀察他人的行為外，也會對他人的行為作「解釋」及「預測」。心智理論 (Theory of mind) 是推論或代入他人心智狀態的能力，例如代入他人的想法、信念、慾望和意圖等，運用此能力去解釋他人的想法、知覺及預測他們的行為。心智理論可細分成「情緒辨識」、「信念」和「假裝性遊戲」。

兒童心智理論的發展時期，大約是從 3 到 7 歲。但 3 歲之前，孩子要先掌握以下技巧才能有效地發展心智理論能力：

1. 留意身邊人們的行為及加以模仿
2. 辨認他人的情緒並運用詞語表達（例如：開心、傷心、嬲、驚）
3. 能參與假裝性遊戲
4. 明白不同的人有不同的慾望及喜好
5. 明白人會作出行為來獲得想要的東西（例如：伸手拿取糖果）
6. 明白不同情緒所產生的原因及後果（例如：如果我打哥哥，媽媽就會嬲，然後會鬧我。）

提升心智理論的方法有：

1. 向孩子交談時多用與心理有關的詞彙
運用與心理有關的詞彙與孩子溝通，可令孩子更具體地了解自己及別人的心理狀況。心理有關的詞彙例子有「想」、「假裝」、「知道」、「相信」、「覺得」及與情緒有關的詞語。平時多留意孩子想表達的意思，再給予回應。例如：「啊！你想要蛋糕」、「不要怕！你以為我走了，其實我還在」、「媽咪好嬲因為你打哥哥」。家長亦可多向孩子解釋他人的心理狀況，例如：「美美收到份生日禮物笑得很燦爛，佢應該覺得好興奮。」

2. 與孩子參與角色扮演遊戲
角色扮演遊戲鼓勵孩子代入不同的處境及人物的角度思考，藉此推論出相關的行為。開始扮演時，孩子可先扮作日常生活常見的人物，例如：媽媽、醫生、老師和司機。家長要留意，在遊戲中無論說話和行為都要代入所扮的角色。此活動能幫助孩子從不同社交情境中體驗各種情緒、想法及互動情況，亦在當中學習觀察、模仿、預知、檢討及調整自己的想法及行為。

希望家長能在日常生活善用機會，與孩子多分享、多溝通，讓他們學會「睇人眉頭眼額」，成為一個「讀心神探」！ 

資料來源：
Hollin,P., Baron-Cohen, S.,& Hadwin,J.(1999). Teaching children with autism tomind-read. West Sussex, England: Wiely Press

Lowry,L.(2015).” Tuning in” to others: How young children develop theory of mind. TheHanen Centre.

香港痙攣協會 (2005). 聯情繫意: 發展自閉症幼兒的社交能力. 香港痙攣協會. 

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To love children, first to love themselves, 3 moves to teach you to maintain the best mental state

Parenting Tips

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Written by :Family Dynamics Child Play Therapist
                   Marriage and Family Therapist, Ms. Lee Wai Zi

In today’s society, it is indeed not easy for parents to maintain a good state of mind and body. I have met with many parents and found that the difficulty most parents face is not that they do not understand their children’s feelings and needs, or that they do not know how their behavior affects their children, but that it is difficult to maintain a trusting and optimistic attitude towards their children when they are in a situation. Often, parents become increasingly anxious as they worry that their child’s problems will continue and worsen, and repeat ineffective ways of dealing with their child’s problems.

So, how can parents maintain the best mental state to face the stress and challenges of disciplining their children? Here are some tips for parents to consider:

1. Be more sensitive to your own stress levels
Parents are human beings, so there will be times when they are depressed or physically and emotionally exhausted. The purpose of parents being sensitive to their own mental state is to remind themselves that they need to take care of their own needs first. It is difficult for parents to be sensitive and responsive to the needs of their children when they are in a highly stressed state. Conversely, inappropriate responses may harm the child and damage the parent-child relationship.

2. Use resources effectively to relieve stress
When parents feel stressed, they should try to explore and make good use of their own internal and external resources to regulate their negative emotions. For example, find family members or friends to talk to, do things that can relax you, and find positive thoughts and beliefs to encourage you. The purpose is to give yourself a proper rest and temporary relief from stress.  

3. Turn your mind around and reflect
If a parent’s stress continues and increases, professional help is needed. Sometimes, these pressures come from more than just external influences. Parents’ self-worth, worldview, and perceptions of things can affect how we parent. For example, some parents worry that they are not doing enough to fulfill their parental responsibilities and end up pushing their children to study or participate in activities, or even that they are not flexible enough to respond to their children’s needs when they are stressed and negative.

If parents are aware of and take care of their own feelings and needs, they can prevent their negative emotions from affecting the next generation.

Therefore, parents who love their children must first love themselves. Only when parents are healthy and happy can their children grow up healthy and happy.  

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Drawings peek into the inner world of children

Parenting Tips

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Written by: Unleashing Mind Professional Counselling Academy
Psychotherapist Lee Wai-Tong

Painting can give us room to express our feelings. I use a brush to create a dialogue with myself in another language, soothing my emotions or gaining insight and unlocking my heart.

Crying over trivial stuff

In my past child counseling sessions, some parents came to me for help. They did not understand why their son, Ming, often cried over trivial things, such as being late for TV, late for dinner, or when his father came home late, etc. They mentioned the situation to Ming, but they did not understand why, which caused them trouble. Therefore, I suggested conducting a drawing assessment for Ming to understand the environment in which Ming grows up in his mind, which may help to understand the reason why Ming loves to cry.

Drawing reveals the reason for crying

Ming drew a “family story”. While drawing, he expressed his feelings that his parents were busy with work all day, so he often played alone at home. When his parents came home, Ming wanted to play with them, but his father soon became impatient. In Ming’s mind, it seems that his father is always angry; whenever his mother sees this situation, she will argue with him. In Ming’s eyes, his mother always looks sad when she argues with his father. In Ming’s mind, he knew that his parents loved him, but when he saw that his father was angry and his mother was sad because of him, he felt sad.  

A peek into the inner world through paintings

Later, I met with Ming’s parents again. They never imagined that the quarrel in front of Ming was deeply engraved in their son’s heart. In addition, the father also found that his tiredness after work affected the quality of parent-child interaction. In this regard, I taught the father some relaxation methods and suggested setting up a “calm zone” at home to give everyone a space to relieve their emotions, and the parents promised to avoid arguing in front of Ming.

A month later, Ming no longer cried over trivial matters and the parent-child relationship was better than before. Painting can reflect children’s inner world view. In the process of creation, children project their inner world intentionally or unintentionally, so that we can understand their inner world and help them grow up healthily. 

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